LOVE: 2019 Year in Review

my top nine...not the photos the website chose, but the ones I chose...

I swore I wasn't going to do this. In fact, I had copied some of the words from my theatre statistics year in review and was just going to use that, but then I started adding things and this seemed a more logical choice. Last year I wrote about every month in a separate post, this year I won't. For a few reasons: first, it is late on New Year's day and I don't want to write that much; second, there are some parts of 2019 I would rather not revisit, not because they were bad, but because they were really good and that makes me more sad than if they were bad, and finally, to say some things and keep them as vague as possible to protect the innocent, or guilty.

Since 2015 I have had a word of the year. In order they were: home, free, dance & inspire (that year was a two-fer), trust, and for 2019: love. When this word was put on my heart I was scared out of my mind. I always THINK I know what will happen with the word, but I'm NEVER right and I could have never imagined what would come from the year of love...

So many parts of 2019 were amazing. I took another trip with Alfred to Serenbe and this time we landed at the Human Rights Museum (which is amazing, you should go if you're in Atlanta). I went to New York three times and saw fourteen shows on Broadway and one Off Broadway. I saw a total of 78 different productions and a grand total of 140 shows, movies, concerts, and showcases (with repeats). I made new friends and met people who will be parts of my life forever. One of the best parts of the year was reconnecting with old friends. My class reunion was this year and while the event itself wasn't necessarily the place of reconnection it was a catalyst for some friendships. I stage managed two musicals and directed my first mainstage play. I took my kids to four tournaments (up from one the year before) and we won the first ever Oklahoma Novice Speech and Debate State Championship. This school year we're already up to three tournaments and we've placed as a team at both that did sweepstakes. I rearranged my classes and curriculum for a much more streamlined and rigorous approach and the kids rose to the challenge. And I had an amazing summer.

There were some low points though. Two organizations that I love with all of my heart made decisions which made me question their integrity and made me chose to walk away, at least for now. I am still associated to a point, but not actively at this time. When making these decisions I knew they had to be made out of love. That was my word of the year and it became very clear how it would be used throughout the year. A main purpose was choosing my love for people and my integrity over what the status quo deemed acceptable. I stood up for friends and strangers in the name of love, sometimes very loudly with a lot of words and sometimes very quietly or with no words at all, but simply by action. Unfortunately, as I write this, nothing as changed within either organization and I go into 2020 distancing myself further.

I also experienced some loss this year. Thankfully it was not due to death or anything of that nature, but that did not change how much the loss impacted me. I realized that some people who I thought were tried and true friends, in fact, were not. Some people that I thought would always be around suddenly were not. I have experienced this before, but for some reason the loss this year was emotionally devastating. Some of these people I would welcome back into my life without hesitation and some I feel it is for the best that we are no longer what we were. I cherish the memories, so much so that sometimes it aches, but I know that how life has shaken out was for the best.

Probably the hardest part of this year was 31 days in July and August. Early in July some things started to trigger my anxiety, but it quickly sorted itself out and I recovered. I had another trigger day and was thrown into a month long anxiety attack. I have anxiety every day, the constant sense of worry about this or that, but that month was something more. I worry that when I tell people who have anxiety about it that my anxiety won't be good enough and maybe it isn't actually anxiety at all (FYI: this is a CLEAR sign of anxiety). That month was the worse I have been mentally in years. I talked to a friend who was with me before I began managing my anxiety and he said I sounded like I did back then, but with one difference: I recognized what was going on so at least I wasn't floating in thin air not knowing what would happen next.

If you have never dealt with anxiety to this magnitude I'm going to try to explain it. This is more than worrying if you turned your curling iron off or if you forgot something at a hotel. Things like that happen all day every day and I've learned to live with them. Heck, the general sense that the sky is falling is a normal emotion I deal with all day, but that month I felt like I was going to explode from the inside out. I physically felt as if every ounce of dread was going to cause me to blow up. And there were times I did. My emotions were so out of control that all I could do was scream or erupt at the people around me. I tried my best to make my apologies when I was in a more reasonable frame of mind, but if you don't understand what is going on then the apology probably feels insincere. For this month I cried all the time because that was the only way that emotion could get out. I spent hours talking to close friends and reasoning out the tiniest of details of things that had been going on. Cognitively I knew I was fine. My brain was well aware that this would pass, but emotionally I didn't think I would ever be 'normal' again. I felt like this was going to be my new normal and I was descending back to a very dark place that I had been in before and that I had fought like hell to get out of. I was so afraid I would never claw my way back out and that nothing would ever be okay again.

And then, just as suddenly as it started, it was over. One day I am having terrifying emotions and the next day I am back to my happy, though anxious, self. There wasn't anything that changed from day to day, it was just time for it to be over. The chemicals in my body sorted themselves back out and I was normal again. The part that scares me is how quickly it started and how terrible it was. I am dreading next summer worried that those trigger days will cause this to happen again. The triggers are things that I have to deal with for the rest of my life and I worry that I won't be able to handle them. Now, the odds are in my favor that this summer was a fluke, but I will be hyper vigilant in the event I creep into that place again and I have some precautions in place to deal with it.

Once school started and my anxiety hangover dissipated I was back into the swing of school. I still don't quite know what I did in a past life, or this one, that allowed me to be so lucky to have the job that I have. I honestly, truly love it. There are some days and some precious angels that make me question my sanity, but overall I wouldn't trade it for anything. I look back on the person I was a few years ago and man this was the best leap of faith I've ever taken.

2019 was full of ups and downs and I'm not sad to see it go. I thank it for the good times and the lessons and I release it to history with all the others. On to the roaring 2020s. I see some big things on the horizon and I can't wait to see what all happens.

PS
My 2020 word of the year is believe.